How to absolutely not connect with potential long-lost relatives on Facebook

So, I recently received this message on Facebook (NOTE: this is real.   I realize that claiming it is real might make it seem less real; but I do enough not real stuff that I thought it important to make the distinction.)

OK: so I received this:

Hello 
Im Agata Latkiewicz. Im polish. Im writing to you because we have the same surname maybe we are from the same family. Have you family in poland or your nationality is Polish? My great-grandfather was living in south of poland and from there was a big emigration to USA to earn money. Probably that I have there family and that's why im writing to you.Im waiting for your answer. By the way on my profile is AGata Kowalska but in fact im Agata Latkiewicz. 
Warmly greets Agata

Which, OK, this is reasonable, even if it does sound like one of those Nigerian emails.   I'm a little suspicious about some weird identity theft facebook scheme that I don't understand, but I write her back.  It is possible, right, that even though, as she says, on her "profile is AGata Kowalska," that she is a Latkiewicz like me.   I realize that if I reply to her she will get to see my profile and such, but so what.   This woman could be family, right?  So I reply with some minimal family info.   Grandparents from Krakow, etc.

She writes back IMMEDIATELY:

My family is from Krosno near Kraków. I think that a little affinity i have with you hehe. My be you know whole name your father's partents?

OK: Maybe I know the name of my father's parents?   There are about seven different ways I can think of right now to ask that question that don't sound like the start of a short con.   And what does she mean "a little affinity with you hehe"?   Is she flirting with me?   If we are family, that is the last thing I want her to do.

BUT MORE WORRISOME: my father's parents name is the answer to one of those Secret Questions that websites with sensitive information ask you when you forget your password.   (I have since changed this question, REST ASSURED.)  

OK, BUT STILL MAYBE THIS PERSON IS LEGITIMATE.   Let's look at her profile to see what kind of person she is (click to see it larger):

Oh jeez.

She has nine friends.   All of whom look like they are in some fake Eastern European car theft ring.

This is how I replied to her:

Dear Agata Kowalska/Latkiewicz -

While I am sure you are a legitimate Polish Citizen and not a scurrilous identity thief, I am not going to give you my my father's parent's name.   The internet is an amazing thing, allowing us to make connections all across the globe; and also allowing creepy people such as yourself to be even more creepy.

Agata, please.   If you would like to make legitimate connections with other legitimate non-creepy people, let me give you some pointers.  As someone who is not trying to steal other people's identities, I feel I am an expert here on not being a terrible human being.

• Not having a profile picture is a mistake.   I would recommend you try going out into the world wearing a ski mask and count how many friends you make that way.
• You have 9 friends, all of whom look like car thieves.   Who you hang out with says a lot about you; and on Facebook, where it's difficult to have less than 100 friends, having only nine car thief friends says either: "I am in a Dangerous Car Thief Gang", or "I am trying to steal other people's personal information, but in a really obvious way"
• Your personal information lists three things about you: A) that you are female; B) that you were born on Nov. 29 (no year); and C) that you went to High School at: "oooo" class of '93.   I don't know Polish, but I'm guessing that even there, four lowercase o's in a row isn't a real highschool. This list of personal details says one thing about you: You are a male born on any other day than Nov. 29 and that you never graduated high school.   And, probably, that you are in a Dangerous Car Thief Gang.
• There is literally nothing else on your page.   I didn't know how sinister a blank Facebook page looked until I saw your page. 

In closing, Agata, if you are a legitimate human being trying to make actual real connections with others, I hope the above tips are help in your quest on Facebook.

Best,
Matthew Kowalska

If she replies, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

Comments

[Paul]

Your blog is really funny! I haven't encountered any face facebookers, but lots of fake ones on myspace and dating sites like Jdate. Thought you might like my blog. Check it out:

http://thecorner33.blogspot.com

[Mark Luffel]

As the previous commenter says, your blog is really funny! Also funny is that on a post about scams you get spam. Is the internet still made of people?

[Matthew]

MARK, you and I might be the only ones left. Soon there will be a Terminator-like war but instead of guns, we will have to only use blog comments. It will be tough.

[Ken]

Thank you for pointing out an obvious, but not well understood about sinister car thief gangs in Eastern Europe, or evil-minded people next door. I tend to ignore bizarre email. Since I'm new to Facebook, Twitter and the like, I will take this articulate post and file it under "internet security" or "don't be too open with people you don't know, particularly if they are asking personal questions."

[Molly]

Don't know how I missed this one. I hope to sweet baby jesus that she is a real person because the image of her sitting in a little polish bed somewhere and reading your message with a tear-stained face is too much. .ah, sweet learning.

oh crazy people

[Matthew]

Well Molly, you know how I feel about the POLES.

[Shelley]

Hilarious - I love that you actually emailed her tips! My favorite part is that you signed as Matthew Kowalska.